Soapbox

Steer into The Skid

My life is out of control.

   Maybe not "meth addict driving backward on the freeway" out of control, but things just keep slipping away from me.
    I go to bed thinking It's ok, I'll get all that done tomorrow  and then tomorrow eludes me, like a wet, naked squealing toddler on a cookie high, leaving me running in circles.I wake up and realize-
It's Thursday already!
It's autumn already?
I'm 50 already!!
What the hell have I been doing all week/summer/life?

My life is out of control.
   My dog is 3 years old and he still digs in the yard, eats socks and goes absolutely apeshit when he sees that ceramic cat in the neighbor's yard. My husband says that I don't use the right voice with him, but I have used all the voices I've got.

My life is out of control.
    The weeds are taking over, and believe me, the ones in my head are just as difficult to uproot as the nettles and dandelions that spring up where tomatoes are supposed to be.
    And I never should have planted that tree so close to the house. Every year I look at it and say "Yeah, I"d better cut it down now, while it's still small enough to handle…" but it shades the porch so nicely… and oops- it's not small any more.
    Sometimes at night I lie awake and swear I can hear it growing, roots pressing against the foundation, seeking a way inside, waiting to strangle us in our sleep. I"m pretty sure the sole option left at this point is to sell the house fast to someone who doesn't realize that the only thing that is in control around here is that tree.
    Or pray for a convenient tornado.
    Except I haven't really prayed in over a year… unless all those muttered Oh shit's and Please don't let me screw this up's count… but I don't think they do count, because I'm still completely out of control.

    I never instituted a family game night. I meant to- on TV all the really good parents have Family Game night. And I never even forced my kids to play soccer! I know, right?! Everyone knows that kids are supposed to play soccer! Years from now my children will tell their therapists about this, and they will cluck their tongues in sympathy and increase their visits to twice a week.

My life is out of control.
    The Check Engine light has been on for over a year and I"m missing 2 hubcaps with no idea when or how I lost them.
    My coupons are all expired, lists largely unfollowed. I have a box full of brishes but never learned to paint, bought yarn but still can't crochet, because I just can't seem to find the time, or the willpower to do what it would take.
    I am a walking bundle of neuroses wrapped in the very best of intentions… which is a direct road to hell, so I hear.

Just completely out of control.
    Sometimes I have these intense dreams that seem like messages from the universe telling me what I should do with my life… and I always end up doing the exact opposite, because I hate anyone telling me what to do, even the universe!
    When I was 13 I realized that I was already too old to be a child prodigy at anything, which was really demotivating. Maybe that's when it all started to slip out of control.
    It gets to the point that every time the telephone rings I expect disaster: peer at the Caller ID and expect it to read "Traffic Accident" or "Unemployment" or "Broken Heart" instead of just "Out of Area". So many people who are so much more in control than i am get caught in such serious shit-storms that I just don't trust my own dry feet. So I watch the clouds suspiciously, even on sunny days, expect a good soaking any minute because my umbrella is always at home.

    They say that the longer the big fault lines go without a major quake, the more stress accumulates and the bigger will be the one that finally hits. I feel that the more days that slip by in dull, functional normalcy, the worse the disaster that's waiting for me…
…and I know it's waiting, because of course I have no emergency kit of bottled water, energy bars and duct tape, either in my basement or in my head! Surely the windmills of the Gods are grinding up a heap of trouble for the contented and the commonplace.

    I know that I'm skidding through life on black ice, and sometimes it's an amazing ride but I can't even enjoy it; see, I never got around to learning how to steer into a skid. So I slip and slide and spin through life,
    completely out of control.