Soapbox

With thanks to the Jon, Ed, Harold and Dave whose snarking helped me write this yesterday. In some states, that's called "aiding and abetting"

 

I head it said on the TeeVee box
that it is perfectly understandable
that Bible folks think President Obama 
is NOT Christian,
because he has never officially renounced Lucifer.
I am so glad this was brought to my attention
because I was unaware that anything a person has not publicly renounced,
it's fair to consider them in favor of.
 

So in the interests of clearing up any mis-conceptions out there,
I would like to go on record as renouncing Lucifer.
I also renounce Lex Luthor.
And to cover all my bases, I also renounce Satan… and  Santa,
(because if you re-arrange the letters, they're really the same guy.)

 

While I'm at it I'll also just say "No" to Voldemort, Sauron and Saruman,
syphilis, demons, black magic and mean people- because they suck.

I hearby forever abjure all hurricanes and earthquakes, Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps,
and anyone who preaches love with a brimstone smile,
holocaust deniers, truthers, birthers, death-panels, zombies, terrorists, and tourists in black socks and sandals.

 

I repudiate Sara Palin, sarin gas, FOX News, reality TV,
Lindsay Lohan and her plea bargains
and gossip, innuendo and tweets being passed off as news.

 

Let it be known that I disavow homelessness, heartlessness and donkey porn,
mosque-haters, mosquitoes, people who bitch but don't vote, people who talk but don't think, cat-stranglers, prison-breaks, air pollution, water pollution and water boarding.

I forever eschew homophobia, xenophobia, and arachnophobia
because without spiders, we'd all be covered in flies,
I am against misspelled signs, closed minds, closeted racists and any religion that calls itself science.

I forswear oppression, depression, false promises and false prophets, comb-overs,
breast implants on 16 year old girls, testicle implants for neutered dogs
eugenics, misogyny and deep-fried Oreos on a stick.

 

I denounce all land mines, land slides and land wars in Asia,
the false celebrity of sensationalism, corporate welfare when children are going hungry
and people who put clothes on their dog when it isn't Hallowe'en.

I am taking a stand against crusades, witch burnings,
book burnings, sunburn and spray tans,
alien abduction and asthma medications
that increase the chances of asthma-related death.

 

Be it known that I am totally against cancer, AIDS and identity theft,
child abuse, flat tires, rain delays and the infield fly rule,
people who think they own the definition of "love"
people who think they own the definition of God
and people who cut me off on the highway.

I renounce global warming, "your" instead of "you're"
those darn little ants that get in my kitchen sometimes
and dead baby unicorns.

 

This list should in no way be considered complete
but I would be remiss if I did not add that I officially and for all time
renounce people who pull s**t out of their ass
and call it the truth.

 

As for the president, while he has not yet mentioned Lucifer,
he has renounced Dick Cheney,
so really, he's got this one covered.