Soapbox

Curse of the Water Weenie

They say that everything happens for a reason, and I suppose the reason here is that I hadn’t vacuumed cobwebs in the basement for far too long.

I sat on the basement steps yesterday afternoon talking to Steve about the plan for the evening (his final dress rehearsal, our International night at Katie’s school) and said,
"And by the way- what’s that trickling sound?"
"Huh? " said Steve, engrossed in his computer game.
"How long has it been going on?"
"What?"

Oh please. He doesn’t listen to me- why would he listen to trickling sounds?

Of course it was the water heater, peeing merrily on the floor. I quickly called Sears because the darn thing is under a maintenance agreement, and after a bit of hassle (which at one point involved me transferred to the credit department by mistake) was connected with a "water heater expert" who told me that in order to assure that it wasn’t "condensation run-off caused by thermal expansion" I needed to turn the gas dial to "pilot" which would shut off the burner, and see if the water had stopped in 45 minutes.

"And yet" I said as I crouched in the basement in my skirt and blouse, "I hear something that sounds like the burner is still on."
"Huh- that’s weird." was the expert opinion. "Take the cover off the bottom and look to see if the flame is on."
"Ummm, mine won’t come off" I reported.
She told me to just pull it off.
"I am! The top seems to be attached to something. How hard can I yank on it?"
"Huh- that’s weird" (Apparently this is "expert lingo" for "you’re screwed, babe". )  "Well here’s my direct number- call me in 45 minutes and tell me if it’s still leaking."
"Wait- I’m supposed to just leave this peeing all over my basement? Should I shut off the water? I have to leave for the evening in 10 minutes!"
"Oh, I’ll be here until 10:00" my expert assured me, as if that would keep the water from running under the wall joist and under the linoleum in the basement bathroom.
So I did the thing I should have done first: I called Ted.

"Relax- its no big thing" he told me in that "don’t lose your head" voice I just love. (No, really) "It’s just a little water on the floor." Actually, it was adding up to rather a lot of water on the floor, but Ted assured me he would be right home and there was no need to shut off the gas or the water.

15 minutes later he drove in, surveyed the situation and shut off the gas and the water. "I’ll call your "expert" back- you take the kids where they need to be" he said, so I peeled out and managed to get Steve downtown only 1/2 hour late. (I remembered, half-way there, that I hadn’t fed him and detoured off at a Burger King)

When Ted met us at Katie’s school he reported cheerfully that a new water heater was being delivered tomorrow and when we got home he would cut the water pipe and cap it, since apparently the valve above the heater was shot and wouldn’t stop filling the tank. Great! What a relief.

He slipped out while the kindergarteners were singing some French song about puppies to get some supplies. I assured a truck-driver-ish fellow standing near me that he could have the just-vacated seat because my husband was off to the hardware store and wouldn’t need it again.
"Hardware? Gosh- can he take me with him?" he asked wistfully. His wife elbowed him in the ribs.

So we cruised home and the big fun started. The water having been shut off, the sink faucets were opened, the offending pipe was cut— and the water wouldn’t stop draining out of the pipe. 15 minutes…drip, drip, drip… We turned on the shower and the tub. 45 minutes…drip, drip.

After an hour Ted tried to sweat-solder the cap on anyway, but the pipe wouldn’t heat because there was too much water in it. Then it finally soldered, but the seal was corrupted by moisture. We turned on the outside spigots…the washing machine…drip, drip, drip…

"I bet there’s some old plumber’s trick for this" Ted mused as he tried to WILL the dripping to stop so he could restore water to the rest of the house. I stood next to him gazing at the thick, luxurious draperies of cobwebs around the furnace and water-heater. "I must vacuum in here before the plumber comes." I mused.

It went on dripping like that for 2 hours. It was a slow drip, but the problem was that as long as the pipe couldn’t be sealed, the water had to stay off. I retrieved Steve from downtown, found a half-empty water bottle, warmed the contents on the stove and managed to get Steve’s stage makeup washed off so he could go to bed. It was now 11 PM and the only thing open in town was the dread Walmart.

We jumped in the car and prayed for a miracle: a 3/4" compression fitting at in the hardware department. No such luck. There was, however, a cheerful Grandpa-type named Chuck who scratched his head and said, "Weell…have you tried bread?"

"I knew there had to be some secret plumber’s trick!" Ted said to me, as Chuck explained that a chunk of bread stuffed up the pipe will absorb the water long enough to get a seal, and when you cut the cap off the water will flush the bread residue out.

It worked! Thank you Chuck, on the graveyard shift at Walmart! There were a lot of people there at 11:15 PM, by the way, and a disturbing number had small children with them. Don’t people ever sleep in this town anymore? What (besides compression fittings, children’s tylenol and maybe diapers) could be so important that you have to take your kids out in the middle of the night?

Other than the fact that when we shut all the taps again, the kitchen faucet sprung a drip-drip-drip it didn’t have before, all was well and dry by midnight and the kids could flush the toilets again. Thank-you Jesus!

This morning I heated pans of water on the stove and taught Steve that old trick that women the world over know well: washing your hair in the sink. (Ted showered at the club) Both kids were reasonable clean when they left, and I have gotten the basement well and truly vacuumed, and my own hair washed. Now I’m just sitting here at the computer waiting for the plumbers to call and say when they’re coming because there is no way I am running any errands and taking a chance on missing them!
So here I am, waiting…I’m sure they’ll be along with that new water heater any minute now….hmmm hum hmmm….Yep- just sitting here…. I wonder who’s on Oprah today?