Soapbox

Tuesday I took both dogs in to the vet.
     Rocket is about 14 now, and not exactly 'ageing gracefully'. His legs shake, he is deaf as a post and seems quite senile- can no longer seem to grasp the most basic commands. He tends to pace and will sometimes circle for more than 5 minutes on the carpet before he finally lowers his old bones to lie down. But he is still housebroken, enjoys (short) walks and occasionally gets feisty and likes to boss Tucker around. And no matter how gray he gets, he's still my 'Baby dog"
    The vet drew some blood to check kidney and liver function and called to say there were some slight abnormalities. Nothing too concerning except for the slight possibility of a certain type of tumor, which is particularly aggressive and fast-moving. She suggested I bring him in today so she could check his anal glands for signs of this tumor.

Right.
     So of course I wasn't looking forward to it. It's like when you child needs a painful procedure: if they're old enough to at least grasp the concept that there is a reason for this pain, while it is still difficult to watch, you feel less guilty than with a baby, who only knows that you handed them over to someone who hurt them! It's like that with a pet. With his increasing senility, Rocket is even more confused and easily upset and while it was going to be a pretty minor procedure, I knew it would probably freak him out. So I felt guilty putting his leash on and taking him over there and of course was unable to reassure him or to explain why I was going to let them do this thing.
     Just being in the car seemed to confuse and distress him. He wined and paced until he slid off the seat onto the floor where he had no room to pace and just whined. I was talking to him to try to calm him- but of course he can't hear me. So as I drove, I started thinking about our 'agreement'.
    After we had to have the Big Dog put down, I made Rocket promise that he was going to die peacefully in his sleep. Hopefully at an advanced age, but peacefully, with no confusion, no pain and no guilt and hard decisions on my part. It would be very sad, but easier on all of us that way.
     And of course this got me thinking about Boomer and the night we said goodbye to him. I still have absolutely not one second of doubt that we made the right call, and he was fortunate enough to apparently feel quite well right up until the catastrophic failure at the end… but it still hurts to remember. It hurts to remember how much he trusted us, how reassured he was by our presence when they brought him into the room where they gave him the final injections and how eagerly he tried to convince us to just take him home and away from this place.

     So by the time I got to the vet's office (about 6 blocks away) I was in tears just thinking about my big Dog… and my Baby Dog. He paced and fretted until they took him into the back room- then tried to pull away and run back to me. I went outside and sat by the front door for a few minutes- I didn;t want to hear him squeal. That's how much of a coward I am.
     The vet brought him back in short order and said that everything looks fine so probably the slight abnormallities in his blood work are just age-related and not really anything we need to treat other than with TLC. Rocket, for his part, looked a little shell-shocked and had his tail between his legs (well who wouldn't?!)
    "He'll never get in a car with me again after all this" I joked.
    "Mom- just don't tell Tucker what went on here!" she replied.
    "What happens at the vet, stays at the vet!" I replied, and she laughed.
      I took him back to the car and this time I put him in the front seat.
    "That's how big my love is, little guy" I said as I climbed in. I thought I could pet him on the way home and soothe him.
     Uh…. no. He whined and paced and seemed determined to climb over the center console to my lap. I thought Well it's only a couple of blocks on residential streets- why not? and helped him over… where he continued to whine and (ouch!) pace. Back over to the passenger side- then back over to my side, where he proceded to get his head stuck in the steering wheel as I was trying to go around a corner (at about 5 mph, fortunately).
    We made it home, I gave him multiple treats, let him boss Tucker around for a bit and he seems back to his old- old self. But I am still holding him to that agreement we have.
    Why do I keep getting pets? It's just too hard to do this. Even 4 1/2 years after the fact, it's still hard.

    Republicans love to quote Ronnie the Reagan and say "Government IS the problem" because to them, government- not greed or corruption, oppression or lack of empathy for others- no, Government is THE problem. Taxes- those things that fix the roads and fund research and maintain the parks and pay congressional salaries- are the root of all evil!
    Heck,  Bill O'Reilly just wrote a book in which he (noted religious scholar that he is)  argues that Jesus's most important message to the world was "don't pay your taxes!". In a mind-set that seriously warped, government is worse than just about anything. (…say the people who work for the government… sheesh.)

    So now we have ourselves a scenario where, unless the President agrees to cancel implementation of health care reform, the Republican party is ready to shut down the government. And why not?  Government is the problem…. well, unless you happen to want your food inspected for safety, or your bridges repaired before they collapse or washed out roads rebuilt; unless you were going to buy food with your paycheck that now won't be coming because you work for the government, or in a business affected by all the government employees who now don't have any money to spend with you.
    For all his many (many many many) faults, Ronald Reagan recognized this. That's why Mr "Government is the Problem" Reagan raised the debt ceiling Eighteen times! Because, even with Alzheimer's, Reagan recognized that, once you have spent the money, you've got to pay the bills! And because back then, the opposition party, for all their many (many!) faults, believed that, no matter how much you oppose the actions of the duly elected president, you don't get back at him by threatening to destroy the economy.
    That's not governing- that's terrorism!

    But as bad- as STUPID as a government shut down would be, the potential default we are facing would be 100x worse. It's like comparing Influenza to Ebola. And right now, the Republican congress, with evil super-villain Ted Cruz apparently calling the shots, is trying to decide whether to deliberately give the United States of America influenza or Ebola…. or maybe BOTH!
    We have No clear picture of what a default would do, because up until now- up until the Joker+Riddler+Penguin Tea Party took over driving the bus- it was never even considered. It was a doomsday scenario that was something we worked feverishly to prevent, not threatened to detonate. Something that only a madman would even think about.
    Remember 2008? Remember how much fun THAT was? Well you ain't seen nothin' yet. If the US defaults on their Treasury bonds, most economists agree that it could plunge not just the U.S. but the entire world into a recession.

    And by the way, remember that all of this ridiculous, expensive and potentially dangerous melodrama is happening because the GOP is trying desperately to
          1) prevent YOU from getting health insurance (because if you can take your kid to a doctor when she gets sick, Hitler wins, or something) and
          2) get out of raising taxes on themselves and their millionaire and billionaire friends, like the Koch Brothers.
          3) destroy Barack Obama, even if they have to destroy you and the world economy to do it.

    Yes, Tea Party- getting control of the debt and the deficit is important. (Not important enough for you to tax a few billionaires over, but whatever) Yes, maybe the national family needs to stop spending money we don't have on  phone bills. But the solution is not to threaten to blow the house up with everyone inside if the kids don't stop texting!!
   You want to reduce government over-spending? You don't send a few meat inspectors home and delay paychecks to our soldiers. Government shutdown will increase unemployment and the need for food stamps and increase our debt! And oh yeah- it will potentially sicken or kill people!
    You need to pay your bills, you TAX THE RICH.

    But you know- maybe Reagan was right. You are the United States Congress. You ARE government!! And clearly, You ARE the problem!
     If you cannot get past this irrational hatred you have for the duly elected president long enough to just do the job we are paying you to do: if you cannot and will not govern… then go home. Furlough yourselves. That will save us a little money- and a LOT of misery. And unllike millions of other government workers, we have no worries about you paying your bills. I"m sure all your friendly neighborhood oil and tobacco and pharma and gun and weapons lobbyists will be happy to tide you over.

    The definition of 'friend' on Facebook is different for different people.
(For instance, anyone who has 2,000 Facebook 'friends' clerly defines that word differently than I do. I may be a bit of a recluse but nobody actually knows 2,000 people!)
     When I accept friend requests, I do it for several reasons: 1) I actually know, or have known the person or 2) We seem to share similar interests/views and I think I may enjoy and learn from the things they post.
    Being a person without a ton of friends, I am loath to lose them. I hate unfriending people- maybe because a few of those who have unfriended me have really stung. Also, it just seems judgemental and presumptuous. Who am I to say that this person is not worthy of scrolling past a status update on my wall? (I do make an exception for people who make blatantly bigoted statements. They are gone!)
 
   Rather than unfriend, I have hidden a few people whom I don't want to unfriend but from whom I just don't get anything. One woman I knew from church years ago is perfectly nice but all she EVER posts about is NASCAR. Literally all.
   And today I decided to hide someone else. He used to be a family friend long ago when we were all kids, and I made him a 'friend' because I wanted to get to know more about him after all these years. But that hasn't happened, and it's not going to.
    All he ever, ever posts about is his ministry. Nothing about how his day is going, how his kids are, what his dog did: there are less personal details in his posts than in a church newsletter. So I usually just scroll past, but out of politeness I sometimes read his stuff, as I did today with an article he assured me was 'amazing' and 'so loving!'.
    And it really wasn't.
    It was about loving Muslims 'without an agenda'.  First it pointed out that- poor Muslims!- their entire faith is based on a lie! And then it makes it clear that one is to love Muslims with all your might until you can bring them to Jesus. Not to verbally evangalize their poor miserable souls, but because through the power of your superior faith you can eventually show them that theirs is wrong.
    That sounds like an agenda to me!

    And I thought of saying something to that effect… but I also make it a point not to criticize people's religious posts. There's a woman I know from high school who posts these things that say (usually with an incorrect use of your/you're or their/there)  If you repost this post and prove your not ashamed of Jesus then God will bless you!
    I think is based on a mind-blowingly ridiculous theology, predicated that 1)You need to periodically 'buy' blessings from God and 2) God, the almighty creator of the Universe gives a s**t what you post on Facebook. But she is a genuinely sweet person who has a good heart, who paints and loves her dogs and actually interacts with me from time-to-time on FB. So I leave her to her theology as she leaves me to mine.

    So I"m looking at this post today and thinking,  All I ever get from this Facebook contact is religious stuff. Religious stuff that I either find utterly uninteresting or disagree with. Yet I feel compelled NOT to comment on religious stuff people post. So… why am I 'friends' with this person?
    I used to know him, 4 decades ago. But nothing he posts now will ever help me get to know him again- unless all he truly cares about is his ministry. In which case we have nothing in common and what's the point?

    So, I am hiding him from my wall. I guess I feel guilty about it or something- why else would I feel compelled to explain myself to my own blog? But there is just no there  there.

I am exhausted  but I cannot let go,
cannot allow myself to sleep.
I feel as if I have to see it all,
absorb each patient rock, scrubby sage and circling hawk
as if by the act of witness I can bind it to me
and myself to it.

For surely these will be my last-ever glimpses of this place
so ancient and so newly born:
cradle and crypt of primordial bones
yet raw and aching, still smeared with the blood of its birth.

When they said "Greater Yellowstone"
I was expecting rolling grasslands and steep, conifered hills.
To my weary, eastern eyes this high desert plateau looks like
a place that is still under construction-
Welcome to Montana! Pardon our mess- we're redecorating!
The buttes ringing the horizon are just huge mounds of rock and dirt,
the winding, scrub-choked gullies leading away
are the tracks of a gargantuan bulldozer that recently pushed them here.
Their flanks are bare, raw and stinging like the knees of a bicyclist
sent tumbling across her chip-sealed roads,
random bits of brush clinging to wounded skin,
rocky bones exposed to the stretching sky.

The woman across from me has been asleep for an hour
but something makes me shake my head,
stay awake, hold on.
Foolish.
This land has existed for milllions of years before I arrived to bear witness,
will carry on for a million more without me~
yet I feel beholden to these hills,
responsible.
If theoretical physicists are correct and we do influence the universe
by our mere presence,
change the cat's destiny just by looking at it
then perhaps my aching eyes can do some good to this land.
Maybe, by paying attention, I can nudge the clouds to rain,
help trees to struggle and grow,
bison and elk and mustang to hold on against the steady progress of death.

From this dark and wind-swept morning
I reach for something strong to carry with me,
pray for something bright and good to leave behind
but I have nothing to offer but my observance-
two weary eyes to acknowledge
the creeks and dry washes, rattlesnakes and gravel,
stubborn buffalo grass and suddenly bright irrigated fields of hay
that fly past at 70 miles per hour
as the bus rattles on, heedless of my obligation,
hurrying to return me to the humid fields and round, green hills of Ohio.

Turbulent clouds part at last and light streams through,
fingers stroking the broken earth in benediction.
I rub my eyes and nod,
Amen, and amen.