Soapbox

"Come see me Mommy,
time by time"
she would whisper around her little thumb
as I walked to the door
and turned out the light.

Just four years old
and a little nervous about being left alone at night,
still, she let me go without tears or protest
because we had an agreement.
She knew that in a few minutes
I would slip back in the room
to stroke her hair
and whisper reassuring words in the dark.
And I would keep coming in,
time by time,
until she fell asleep,
secure in the knowledge that even when I was gone
I was never far away.

Today I took her to college.
I loaded up her computer and her bedspread,
her books and posters, T-shirts and funky hats
and drove her to another town
where I left her.
Then, as if it were just another day,
I drove home without her.
I stand now at the door to her room,
my eyes lingering on the scattered belongings,
mostly remnants of her vanished childhood
that she left behind today.
They, like me, are waiting
for her to return.

She’s not that far away.
And I know she’ll be home fairly often
at first,
for birthdays and vacations,
to visit old friends and load up on cookies.
but soon new friends,
summer jobs and study abroad
will become her priorities
and those visits will become fewer and farther between
until this home
isn’t her home
any longer.

"Come and see me baby"
I whisper as I turn off the light,
"Time by time".

Tippy-toe paws of downy fur,
steady blue eyes and a damp pink nose,
chewing my toes and ready to play
at five o'clock in the morning-
then fast asleep beneath the kitchen chair
when I pick up the leash at 8 AM.

Small one, sometimes I think
you are nothing more than a living mouth
with four feet and a bladder!
Don't give me that innocent look,
you've been gnawing on something,
I just know it!
Spit out those car keys!
Don't chew the computer cord
and let go of my pants leg!
Awww, don't pee in the flowers.
Sit, baby, sit. Please!
Heavens, where did you find an ink pen?

I sit on the floor to put my shoes on, and,
abandoning the thrill of attacking a cardboard box,
you squirm onto my busy lap.
I move to push you off but,
with a sigh of great contentment
and the total trust and faithfulness
that only baby things possess,
you are asleep in an instant,
one leg trailing behind you on the floor.

My previously impatient hand
rests gently on your head,
strokes your satin ears
and I can't remember where it was
I was going in such a hurry, anyway.

Last night as I was leaving work
promising my tired feet that they would soon be home,
I was brought up short
by the beauty of the summer twilight.
Mouth agape, I stared, captured
by the faint hint of teal in the cobalt expanse above me
and bits of apricot and amethyst
that still glimmered on the western horizon.

We are told that the key to happiness lies
in finding large joy in small things.
But those who are most open
to simple moments of absolute beauty
find that their heart,
like a drift net along the ocean's floor
gathers in all the small moments-
beauty and pain, loneliness and loss
until it is much too full.

I felt myself on the verge of tears,
rent and bleeding
wishing I could catch hold of that glowing sunset horizon
and the evening calls of birds across the still-warm asphalt
and cast it all back into the world
and out of me

Because even joy, so keenly felt
will pierce the heart
if you hold it too tightly.

And so I struggle to paint, to sing, to write it
exactly as I feel it
for only then can I release it
lest it damage me
in ways I cannot hide.

But the perfect words
fall from other tongues,
and today I leave small red fingerprints
on everything I do.

They hide in my dreams now,
waiting to take me to that place
where we can all be young and beautiful
and old and wise, at the same time-
 where fish swim through the air
like it was water
and rope grows in kitchen gardens
and little girls with bare feet
dance under the shepherding moon.

They no longer inhabit the visible landscape of my life
but my heart has eyes
and it sees them yet,
in the cracks and crevasses of memory,
in that place where everything is still possible
and nothing cannot still be undone.

When I ask them to come and play
they never do
but sometimes, when I forget to look
they emerge
wearing that brilliance of countenance
that only love can bestow.

Then they reach out
in an act of grace
and touch my hand
and the universe bends in upon itself
and I am transformed.

Guess what I spend too much time doing?

Hi there honey- I"m home from work
I swear, my boss is such a jerk!
I really thought this day would never end.
I’m too tired to cook- do you want to go out?
There’s a new Thai place folks are talking about.
I’ll get my coat- but first, I"ve got to check in
With my Facebook friends… all my Facebook friends…

It started as a joke- I didn’t think there’d be
Much of anyone to be friends with me
Just wanted to know what the fuss was about, and then
Before I knew it, I had 87 friends!
Though some of them are just friends of friends… of friends
But they’re all talking and I"ve just got to chime in
With my Facebook friends… the party never ends…

It’s really quite amazing, all the friends I’ve made:
There’s a girl who sat beside me in the seventh grade,
My old lab partner from chemistry class
(If it wasn’t for him, I would never have passed)
A girl I met at summer camp years ago,
A guy who knows a girl my sister used to know…
I’m friends with the kids I used to babysit for
And my favorite clerk at the grocery store,
My highschool crush who barely knew I was alive,
A girl wh lived next door to me when I was five,
The teacher who directed my senior play,
A gal I used to work with but she moved away…
Hey wait- what’s this notification I see?
Grandma just friended me!
Now she’s my Facebook friend… old lady Facebook friend…

There’s always something happenin’ on my Facebook wall:
I see Frankie got a puppy and that’s not all,
My old roommate’s grading papers and Uncle Mike’s going out…
Linda’s daughter got a part in her school play
And Carol sent an Easter Egg to her friend Kay
Though why she threw a sheep at me, I still can’t figure out…
But she’s my Facebook friend… that’s what you do when you’re Facebook friends…

So I joined a group for people from my old high school
And another for a band I think is really cool
I signed a couple petitions- don’t recall what for.
There’s a group for people who hate their nose
And another for people with eleven toes
And I just became a "fan" of the California Condor…
Guess now we’re Facebook friends… endangered Facebook friends…

I’m always talking with my Facebook friends-
It’s a great big party where the fun never ends
(Hang on- I want to update my status again…)
It’s a place where everybody knows my name,
Though my profile picture rarely stays the same
My kids say they’re worried about all the time I spend…
…I think they just need some more Facebook friends!
and if it’s someone you don’t really like, you can pretend.
It’s so easy: all you do is click and then
They’re your Facebook friend…
Let’s be Facebook friends… I need more Facebook friends…

Hey- someone just sent me a flair!