Soapbox

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet

      My job would be so much more fun if  I got to wear a cape.
     If  only I could stride to the counter when a customer rings the bell and then, hands on hips, feet spread purposefully as my cape settles in behind me (cool theme music clearly implied)  say,  "I'm here to help you"-  I just know the day would go better.

  My work cape would be super-hero length, ending just above the knees and flaring out nicely on every quick turn, which I would do deliberately from time to time, partly just for awesome style points, and also  to let my customers know that they are dealing with a woman of significant taste and ability.
    It would be dark gold with a scarlet lining. The gold color would engender trust, signal that I am honest, competent, forthright, and  they should relax  because know way more about this than they ever will.

   But should a customer get too clingy or whiney, or take a disrespectful attitude with me, I can flip my cape back over my shoulders so that the scarlet lining shows. This flash of red will let them know that I am not a person to be trifled with, say without words  shut up and take my advice.
    If I could stroll into my boss's office in a swirl of scarlet and gold, I can't help thinking that my annual evaluations would go better.  And when driving in heavy traffic, I might let a portion of the cape trail out the window to flutter in the breeze. Other drivers would know that, while I am a safe and courteous driver, they should not mess with me in a merge. You don't cut someone off in traffic when you know they are wearing a super hero cape.   

 I really should have 2 capes, though: Superhero for every day wear, but for those occasions  that require a little more presence, perhaps even a bit of sang-froid, I will need a full length cape of deepest, deepest blue… my Severus Snape cape. One that does not merely flare but positively billows out behind me like my own trailing entourage.

   In my Severus cape, as I stride the halls of the IRS, the BMV, the courthouse or even the opera house, people would step out of my way. Because you simply do not fuck with someone in a full-on Severus cape, now do you?

   You know who else would enjoy his job more if he wore a cape?  The President.

   I suppose his cape would have to be red white and blue, with stars on the shoulders. Which is cliche, I know, but it would certainly put all those stupid flag-pin wearing congressmen in their place.  Just think how it would swirl around him in an aura of power and authority as he walks from Air Force One for a meeting with some recalcitrant head of state! Suck it, Venezuela!  

   But the president really needs two capes as well. When the shit really hits the fan, when the accusations of "Socialist" and "Muslim" are flying, when they're painting his face with a bone through his nose on watermelons and attacking his wife and daughters in all those "I'm not a racist but" ways that they hit him every day; when the white hoods they have tucked into their pockets are starting to come out, he could go to his closet and pull out his other cape,  his "Leader of the goddamned free world" cape .
        And then he could call a joint session of Congress, assembling all the obstructionist, self-aggrandizing party leaders:  the ones  who are out there doing book tours and speaking tours instead of governing, who charge "traitor!" and "Un-American" but would rather shut down the entire United States government than compromise and inch .
        When the Sargent of Arms bangs his stick for attention, before he can get a word of introduction out of his mouth, the President would brush past him and stalk to the podium wearing his Darth Vader cape in it's full, ridiculous awesomeness, Secret Service detail scurrying behind to keep up. Imperial March clearly implied!
     What a treat it would be then to watch the expressions on the face of the Speaker of the House when the President talks of protecting civil rights and health care in his Vader cape. Ah-ah ah… careful gentlemen!   For if some over-excited member of the opposition should have the temerity to hiss or shout "You lie!" while he is speaking the President could pause, slowly turn his head and extend his hand slightly toward the neck of the red-faced man and say, in solemn tones,    

   "Do not fuck with me, Senator, for I am the President of the United States, and you will show some respect. If not for me, then for the office, and if not for the office… then for the cape."   

    Oh yes, I believe everyone's job would be better if they got to wear a cape.