Soapbox

 

    "Well listen honey- have you ever heard of George Soros?" she asked me.
     Oh dear God! I thought

   She had appeared at my framing counter while I was helping another guest- a tiny woman who could barely see over it when she sat in her chair-walker. She plopped some frames on the counter and some folded parchament-y copies of the Declaration of Independence, Gettsyburg Address, etc. and wanted help framing them. She was sunny and sweet, and obstinate, and really cheap.

    She wanted those documents in frames right off the wall- no mats, no art paper underneath. She had seen frames here once that fit each one perfectly and needed me to find them for her. Surely, if we looked, they would turn up.

   In addition to being very small, she walked with a pronounced limp, (hence the walker-sitter thingy) so rather than have her trying to push her walker and carry heavy frames, I was soon fetching and carrying for her.Back and forth, this and that. She seemed not to grasp the concept that what she wanted did not exist at my store.
   You had some frames that fit them exactly" she said for the 4th or 5th time.
    "That page there is 21 1/2 inches long" I pointed out. "We have never carried a frame 21 1/2 inches long"
   " Well then we'll have to use this frame, but in that other size" she said.
   "Yes Ma'am" I said with a sigh, and went off to look again.

 

     After about 20 minutes of back and forth and me apologizing for my inability to produce from thin air what she wanted (Well can't I just order the size I need?  Yes, it's called custom framing. Oh goodness no, we'll have to keep looking) we came to a compromise and got frames that she decided would work after all.
   Of course she then wanted to put them inside the frames on my counter, because it would be just too difficult for her to do them at home- she would have to call someone over to help her!  So I got my tools and said I"d do it, because really, it would take less time to do it myself than to explain why I'm not allowed to do it. And for all her obstinance, she was a very  nice lady. And she was tiny. Did I mention she was crippled?

   It was as I was opening the frames she purchased and taking out the paper inside that she began to talk about why she was framing these documents– because, she said, they are the foundation of our country and well, she was worried about what some horrible people are trying to do to it.

    I had a bad feeling then, like footsteps over my grave. So I said,
    "Well, you know, the Constitution is a very flexible document- it has to be, because times have changed so much since it was written. And some of us want to flex it one way and some another, but really, I think we're all just trying to do what we think is best. Some just see the best path differently than others."

    Which is total BS– oh some people do just have a different view, but I think there are also lots of cynical, greedy people who are just out to increase their wealth and power and don't give a damn what havoc they wreck on their way to getting it. But I wasn't going to go down that road with a customer. I was going to be nice and concilliatory. Don't laugh- I know how to be nice!!
 

    "Oh I don't know about that" she said, shaking her head. "Listen- honey" she tried to lean closer, " have you ever heard of George Soros?"

 

   Oh dear God I thought She listens to Glenn Beck!! And now she's going to  get out a chalk board and tell me about the world according to lunatic boy!

 

    And so she did. (minus the chalk board)

    I gritted my teeth. Several times I dropped tools behind the counter and stooped so I could roll my eyes and grimace down there. I changed the subject 3 or 4 times. You know me- you can imagine how hard this was.

     "Michelle Obama wants to force us all to feed our children the way she wants us to!" she was saying.

     "Force? Really?  She has not proposed a single law that would "force" anyone to do anything" I said with a smile as I mounted the preamble to the Constitution on a piece of beige art paper. "She just wants people to have the information to make healthy choices. Oh yes, this frame looks nice, don't you think?"
     But I wasn't getting off that easy.

    "Oh you'd better look it up- she's forcing people-"
     "I have looked it up" I jumped in, then took a deep breath and made my voice light. "No one is suggesting any laws."
     She seemed startled that I might hold this incredible opinion.  "Huh. Well… what business is it of hers anyway? What right does she have to tell us what to do?"

     "Again, no regulations or laws have been proposed" I said through gritted teeth. "…unlike in several states" I heard my mouth saying, " where, for instance, they want to make it a law that any time a woman has a miscarriage, the police have to investigate, to make sure it wasn't on purpose- have them go ask all her friends, 'Did she ever say anything about wishing she wasn't pregnant?' etc.

     "Can you imagine having to go through that?" I met her startled gaze. "After such a tragedy, and suddenly the police are asking questions? What business is it of theirs?"
     "Oh my. Well no, no- are… you sure about this?"

     "Absolutely. So, now what were we doing with this page here?"

 

   I managed to distract her, but only for a minute. Next she told me how we were attacked, and so of course we had to go to war in Iraq.
     "…except we weren't attacked by Iraq" I said breezily, working as fast as my fingers could fly. Oh Lord, if you hear me…

     "Oh yes yes, they had proof that Sadaam sent suicide bombers…"

     "George Bush eventually admitted on television that Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11" But she knew the way around that inconvenient little fact.

     "Well Sadaam Hussein was murdering his own people!" she tried.

     "With weapons we gave him" I agreed. "Hand me that screwdriver, would you?" (Speaking of weapons, maybe I can job out my ear drums with this!)

     She had the bit between her teeth again and was not going to be distracted this time.  

     "Well sure we're not perfect, but the United States only works for good! We have to intervene when someone is killing innocent people."

     "…unless the people they are killing are innocent people that we don't agree with" I said.

     "What in the world do you mean by that?"

 

I stood up, looked her straight in the eye.

     "Google 'United Fruit' " I said quietly, knowing it was a wasted effort, but really wanting her to understand. "Look up the Sandinistas and Oliver north. Google Patrice Lamumba, or Salvadore Allende. The United States assisted in overthrowing the democratically elected president of Iran and put the Shah on the throne in his place, who proceeded to murder thousands of his own people. And we thought that was just hunky-dorey, so they were forced to rise up on their own in revolt."
    I sighed, and returned to my task, which was almost complete, thank God.

    "We take out left-wing murders, and put right-wing murderers in their place, but the people are still just as dead." I muttered.

 

   She digested this for a minute.
   "Where did you hear about all this stuff?"  she asked. I shrugged.

   "I read. I learned a lot of it in college, in history classes."  I was gathering up my supplies now- the finish line was SO close!!

    "Huh." ~pause~ "What college did you go to?"

 

    Oh right- because you figure I must have gone to one of those hippie colleges that teaches about free love and how to be a communist  I thought.

    And of course I did go to a left-wing hippie college, but that doesn't make what I learned in my "U.S. in World Afffairs" class any less true.

     I debated saying "Harvard- like President Bush did" but right- a Harvard grad behind the framing counter? Maybe "Miami of Ohio"- not too many free-love hippies attend there.

    "Ohio University" I admitted.

    "What was your major?"

    "Music therapy"

Her face brightened.

   "Oh- I was a voice major in college!"

 

   Halle-fucking-julah! We totally bonded again, while I wrapped up her gorgeous (not, but what do you want for about $30 each?) framing and carried it to her car. When I straightened up from putting it in her back seat she gave me a huge hug, thanked me profusely for my generous help (no kidding: that was probably $50 in free labor you got!) and promised to come back with some paintings she wanted to get framed.