Soapbox

3-Ring Circus

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends!
We're so glad you could attend! Come inside, come inside.

      Ladies and gentlemen and citizens of all ages, step right up and welcome, yes welcome to the 112th Congressional 3-Ring circus, Constitutional Carnival and Peep show! Leave your inhibitions- and your moral scruples- at the door!
     Come right in folks, the cost of admission  will be explained to you on your way out.
     There is something here for everyone! We cater to all tastes but the rational. No matter your problems, prejudices or illogical preconceptions you will find an act here sure to pander to your peculiarities.

     On your right, stretching all the way from sun-crazed Florida to the land where you can see Russia from your house, we bring you the Grand Old Corporation, also known as the Flying Republican Party and their smoke-and-mirror show!
     Watch their incredible magic tricks, as they shrink government until it is small enough to fit inside the panties of every woman in America!
     Marvel as they pull a huge surplus from behind Bill Clinton's ear and- ~abra cadabra~ turn it into as massive deficit, which they cleverly tuck into Obama's pocket!
     Thrill to the interactive portion of the show  where they send you out on the  economic high wire without a social safety net!
     And capping off the show: the Family Values parade! It is truly inspiring- a dazzling monochromatic spectacle of  one color, one religion and one creed!
     But watch out for over-crowding: it's a very small tent where the Republicans perform.

     And on the left, which  used to be the center before the whole show moved to the right, —  from Buffy and Biff's compound on the Vineyard to the land of the Hollywood liberal elites we have the Gang that Couldn't Shoot Straight, the Wacky Congressional dems!
     You'll laugh as they take aim at the broad side of a barn- and miss!- only to shoot themselves in the foot! Silly democrats- that's what happens when you're not devoted to guns-guns-guns!
     Laugh as they get chased by their own barking blue dogs!
     Watch them perform that time-honored comedy classic of the zany liberal who goes to Washington with a majority to buy jobs and medicine and comes home with nothing but a handful of bi-partisan beans!

     And high above it all, the incredible President on the Flying Trapeze! He swings to the left, then swoops far to the right, soaring and flipping- and all without even having a birth certificate!

     And ladies and gentlemen, while you are here please be sure to spend time in the Tea Party Fun House where nothing is as it appears to be. When you gaze into their amazing mirrors you will believe that a tall man is short, a fat man thin, that it is "pro-life" to kill pregnant women and Noah rode a dinosaur onto the ark!
     Be sure to grab yourself a replica musket and powered wig at the gift shop so you can join the fun as they take us all backward into our glorious future and re-enact that inspiring moment in history when George Washington ended slavery and got a high-five from Jesus.

     Oh yes, magic is in the air today, folks!
     Watch the Supreme Court turn a frat boy into a president and an off-shore corporation into a person!
     You won't believe your eyes when millions of good-paying American jobs are transformed into Chinese and Indian jobs!
     You'll laugh yourself silly at the hilarious Clowns of Fiscal Responsibility as they try to balance an aircraft carrier on the back of a school lunch lady.
        And funny old Haley Barbour wants to run for president but that pesky white hood keeps getting in the way.

     Please don't miss our incredible political Freak Show but I warn you- it is not for the faint of heart!
     You'll shiver with fear at Michelle Bachmann and her crazy eyes and scream with delight as Newt the Amphibian attempts to boink his way to the White House.
    We have Tom "The Hammer" DeLay, Rick "Man-on-Dog" Santorum and the worlds only human-mandarin orange hybrid.
    And forget mere sword-swallowing, folks- we have Glenn Beck's audience,  and you won't believe the stuff they can swallow!!!

     There is something here  for everyone and games of every level of skill. Stop by the Minute-Man Mexican shooting gallery where you can also take aim at gays, atheists, environmentalists and of course, Muslims.
     In our newest attraction, the  Wax Museum you will see incredibly lifelike depictions of things from America's past, like the Passenger pigeon, the bi-partisan compromise and the middle class factory worker.

     If you get hungry, grab a snack at Mamma Grizzly's House of Smores
where nutrition- and liberal- is a dirty word. Yum! Just don't ask why the bottled water- is that funny color after all environmental regulations just stifle small business, right?

     Ladies and gentlemen, should you over-indulge in race-baiting or injure yourself on the Second Amendment Kiddie Ride, the first aid station is…er… huh! It seems to have disappeared! Guess you're on your own for health care!
     And whatever you do, don't leave without getting some fun toys and souvenirs for the kids. Now if Junior's hands turn green or he begins to bleed from the ears tomorrow, don't worry.  That's just the lead, arsenic and other toxic chemicals in our cheap, foreign-made trinkets. We know that matters most is that they are cheap, so you can buy so much more! 'Cause isn't that what the show is all about?

     Folks, there is something for everyone– by which we mean nothing for anyone rational or civil-minded– at the Congressional Circus: all crazy, all the time!