Soapbox

Ever since I got up this morning
I have been feeling rather freaked out
by the whole “individual consciousness” thing-
how each of us is utterly alone inside our brain.
Also “Why am I even here” and “What’s next” seem like a really big deal today.

I hate when that happens.
Now, just walking through my day,
buying groceries, going to work
somehow seem like threatening activities
because these ghostly hands are pulling at me,
asking questions about my existence
that I cannot answer.

When you wake up and realize that you don’t get it,
do not understand life on a fundamental level today,
looking at other people’s faces and knowing you will never see their hearts
feels like swimming through life with rocks in your pockets
and the opposite shore seems terribly far away.
A formless anxiety buzzes in your ears and won’t go away.
It leeches the color out of the day

Sometimes I can get past it, though
if I can go for a walk in the woods
and it is quiet, and the light is just right
and the breath of the trees comes just so.
Sometimes kissing my babies and smelling their skin
and feeling the incredible weight of their trust as they sleep in my arms
puts this disquiet to rest
but the wind is so cold today and  my babies are grown.
So when my brains circles and circles, looking for a place to land
I crawl into your arms
and there I find, if not understanding, at least peace
in the sound of your breathing.