Soapbox

Laugh Lines

    So I'm at the store, crouched down in what I call the "Wishes, Prayers and Voodoo Science" aisle, trying to pick a face cream.

     Hmmm, let's see… this one says it contains gogi berries… this one has Pomegranate extract. If fruit is so good for my skin. maybe I should just wash my face with orange juice. What about sea kelp or amino peptide thingamy-doodles?  They promise to neutralize free-radicals… but I kind of like being a radical.
    This one will make me positively radiant, this one offers agelessness. So I could be radiantly 50… or dull but indeterminate?  You need a PhD and a Ouija board just to choose!
    Olay's "Regenerist" line assures me that it "beat the $700 cream".  At what- parchisi? That's all well and good, but I'm not asking to be regenerated. What exactly will it do that makes your cream worth even  $30?
    I see one that callsitself "Gravity Defying night Cream".
    I regard the little $18 package skeptically, decide I would be much more impressed with the name if the jar was hovering  a few inches above the shelf.
     It's not.
     Here's another called "Double Eye Lift". Well sure- who in the hell would want to lift just one eye? And over here, "Collagen Lip Filler".  Good Lord- do women really get holes in their lips as they age?  L'Oreal certainly wants us to think we do.

     Oh, the lies we tell ourselves! I am a 50 year old realist- I do not expect miracles to come in a little jar, whatever the price tag.  I just want something to make my skin feel less dry.  But if you spend enough time in this aisle, you begin to think of middle aged skin as a deadly disease.  I think there are enough actual diseases out there lurking that really, a few wrinkles are the least of our worries.

    Back to the choice at hand.
    Rice protein? Soy protein? Pro-calcium? Pro-retinol? Pro-lastyl? Well, at least they are all professional- wouldn't want any amateurs.  What about Royal Jelly? How's that for making you feel special? This one brightens, this one firms, this one reduces wrinkles, this one cleans your oven while you sleep…

    You know what? The first ingredient in every damn one of them seems to be "water". I flip a coin and go for a nice green jar and a modest price tag. Why not. All this confusion is giving me gray hair, and I an not going near the hair product aisle!