Soapbox

Tripping the Divine Light Fantastic

Driving home one evening I passed a small sign on the berm that advertised “Christian Dancing”, which I found to be distressingly vague.
After all, there are so many different types of Christianity that there must be many different types of Christian dancing.

In the interests of preventing unpleasant surprises on the dance floor I present this handy reference so you will know just what to expect, should you ever attend a night of “Christian dancing”

In Quaker dancing there is no music to dance to.
In Shaker dancing they all move around quite a bit but no one ever touches anyone else,
while in Catholic dancing only the priests get to touch someone else.

A Fundamentalist Mormon dance consists of one old man and 9 young women
who must dance together for all time and unto eternity.

On Episcopalian dance nights everyone brings a covered dish and a bottle of wine to share after. Then they eat and drink and talk and usually forget about dancing entirely.

At Methodist dance nights your position on the dance floor depends a lot on how much you paid to get in to the dance hall.
Unitarian dancing is when the dancers all dance however they like, and not necessarily at the same time, or the same place, or to the same music.

Anglican dancers really want to be at Catholic dances, but they just don’t like the music there.
If you decide to attend a night of Christian Scientist dancing, be careful. If you fall and break your leg, you’re out of luck.
At Amish dances they just turn out the lights and everyone makes cheese.
At Jehova’s Witness dances no one is allowed to wear a costume, or celebrate,
or, well, dance.

Baptist dancing…. oh, I think not!
Except at places like Westboro Baptist church, where dancing is restricted to dancing on the graves of liberal politicians and homosexuals.
Calvinist dancing is simply another term for writhing in the flames of hell
and at agnostic dances no one ever shows up because deep inside, they weren’t really sure there was going to be dance that night.

Let the music begin!