Soapbox

Things That Go “Bump” in the Night

According to an essay brought to the attention of a sinful nation by that tireless guardian of our morality,  Pat  “9/11 Was-Caused-by-Abortion” Robertson, if you haven’t yet put out your Hallowe’en candy or gone for a hay ride, there may still be time! For the rest of us…. better start getting used to that sizzling sound!

You see, candy is a demonic portal at this time of year.

Wow.  I mean- who knew?? Well, thankfully, someone did, and it’s a tale to curl your hair!

          “…During this period demons are assigned against those who
participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are
automatically drawn to the  fetishes that open doors for them
to come into the lives of human beings.
For example, most of the candy sold during this season has
been dedicated and prayed over by witches.”

Holy s***!! Does M&M Mars know this? Are they in on the plot? I mean, the witches would pretty much have to be at the actual manufacturing facilities to be able to pray over all that candy, wouldn’t they? And there would have to be a whole army of them to get the job done, because America consumes a lot of candy! Look around you! (Heck, look at you! I bet you’re thinking about a snickers bar right now.)
Oh but wait- I’m thinking with my demon-infested brain and not listening to the word of the prophets sent to warn us! So sorry. Please continue.

        “…I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent
through the tricks and treats of the innocent  whether they get it by
going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store.
The demons cannot tell the difference.”

Dumb-ass demons!
Well thank God that  someone is out there to clue us in on all of this! I already knew that allowing my child to dress up as a dinosaur or ghost was a pathway to perdition, but as to the overall candy menace, I confess to being blissfully ignorant up until now. In fact, perhaps you should not even be reading this folks: I ate a Nestle’s Crunch from the trick-or-treat bowl last night!! I may be infested right now!

But the woman who wrote the article to which Roberston called our attention, clear-seeing though she is, leaves unanswered a few important questions in her warning to the un-holy among us:

1)  When does candy start being cursed? Should we hoard candy starting in, say, August, to get us through the danger period?

2)  When will we get the all-clear to once again enjoy our morning ritual of a bag of M&M’s and a cigarette  for breakfast? Surely by Christmas the angels are back at work blessing the little Christmas peeps!!

3)  I notice that she says “most of the candy” is cursed. Are there certain brands that won’t make our heads spin around and pea soup fly out? (please say “KitKat”, please say Kitkat!!)

Terrifyingly, the demonic attacks don’t stop at the candy bowl!

“… Mother earth is highly celebrated during the fall demonic harvest.
Witches praise mother earth by bringing her fruits, nuts and herbs.
Demons are loosed during these acts of worship. When nice church folk
lay out their pumpkins on the church lawn, fill their baskets with nuts and
herbs, and fire up their bonfires, the demons get busy. They have no respect
for the church grounds. They respect only the sacrifice and do not care if it
comes from believers or non-believers.

Holy freaking mother of God!  Just think how many unsuspecting Christians out there have placemats with pictures of acorns and oak leaves!  And all the grandmas hugging their grandchildren while wearing sweaters decorated with pumpkins and vines!
Run, kids! Save yourselves! Granny may be little more than a demon, trying to tempt you with cookies!! Why, if you have gourds and leaves in your  thanksgiving centerpiece, Satan is laughing the whole time you are thanking God! In fact- it sounds like even thanking God at all for the bounty of the earth is highly suspect!

        “…Even the colors of Halloween- orange, brown and dark red- are
dedicated(to Satan).”

Damn- Satan even owns colors? That hillside forest you were admiring last week, ablaze in red and orange? Brought to you by Lucifer.
The threats to our eternal souls continue to mount. No wonder autumn can be such a drag- and I thought it was just all that leaf-raking. Heaven save us- is nothing safe this time of year? Should we all just go into hibernation until the Christmas carols start pealing (November 1st) ?

I first came across this story on the “Comedy” page of the Huffington Post, so I thought it was a headline from the Onion. In fact, I hoped it was a headline from The Onion.  It’s not. It’s a story from the pages of  “What in the hell is wrong with people?”

There are so many real tragedies going on out there… so many ways in which people get “lost”, in which people hurt themselves and others that we could be focusing our energies on! For instance, the tragedy of people who demonize and condemn others because they have different traditions, and people who use fear as a tactic to intimidate and cow others into following them and thereby giving them power.
Why couldn’t  you folks spend just a little of your time and energy on some of the very real, very dangerous threats facing us poor, fallible humans?  Pat, Seasonal Affective Disorder is such a problem this time of year- so many souls are torn apart by it. Why don’t you advocate for better mental health care and treatment instead of wasting everyone’s time screaming of the dangers of pumpkin lattes?

Boo!