Soapbox

Attention Customers

Attention customers!
The management and staff would like to take this opportunity to remind you
that this store was not put on earth
to be your personal coffeecup holder,  playpen or toybox.
The proper place to dispose of your half-empty vente soy decaf latte
is not on a shelf of scrapbook paper.
We have trash cans. Ask us!

Also, please do not allow your children
to wipe their noses on the new autumn suedes collection,
chase each other up and down the aisles
or climb on shelves filled with glass objects.
We do not  appreciate you letting them open boxes and distribute the contents
or color with the sharpie markers on our floor tiles simply because-
hey, it keeps them from bugging you while you chat on your phone
about your nail appointment tomorrow.

No, the fact that you have to get little Madison to soccer by four
does not entitle you skip to the head of the line,
it simply demonstrates your poor time management
and a herd mentality when it comes to chosing names.

This is a craft store. It says so in big letters on the front of the building.
We do not sell office supplies, tube socks or milk,
regardless of how convenient it would be for you if we did.
So don’t get in my face about what we don’t carry,
as if I personally made the decision not to stock it
because I knew you were coming in and wanted to ruin your day!

Please do not attempt to communicate with me through hand gestures
or by mouthing words across your cell phone call.
If you can not hang up long enough to speak to me
I will go assist a customer who can!
I may work for menial wages, but I have a college degree-
magne cum laude, bitch!- so don’t talk to me like I rode the short bus to school!
Ok, I have poor career planning skills,
but I can still write an expository paper- with footnotes!-
on a book I"ve never read, in an hour and a half,
that would make any English teacher in America weep with joy!

And by the way, we announced 10 minutes ago that the store is closing.
Unless you are taking out the trash or cleaning our bathrooms,
that means you have to go home!
News flash: even retail drones have homes and lives,
and we would like to get back to them as soon as possible.
So put down the glue gun, go get your child
(who is around the corner opening packages of modeling clay by the way-
thanks for that!)
and get the hell out of here!

For your convenience, this store will re-open tomorrow at 9 AM.
Please feel free to come back then because tomorrow is my day off!
Thank you and have a pleasant evening.