Soapbox

Time By Time

Columbia, NYU, University of Chicago and Brown.
What do these fine institutions all have in common?

They comprise the list of colleges that my lovely daughter informed me this morning that she would like to attend. The first 3 I know are all on the list because they are in big, cosmopolitan cities that KAtie has visited and enjoyed. She informs me that the small-town idyl of a school like O.U. is not for her- oh no! "Bright lights, Big city" is her dream. At least those three are all in places that are pretty cheap to get to from Columbus, so she can go visit and see if they have anything other than population density to recommend them. But Brown?

Brown university….in Rhode Island… ranked 7th in the Ivy League, tuition alone $33,888, this year. Freakin’ Brown? How does it rate the Katie list? An alumna from her high school is currently on the admissions faculty there and gave a talk about Brown’s hallowed halls for the International Baccalaureate juniors, who I guess are the kids most likely to get in. So now, she’d like to go visit there because "it has this amazing curriculum". And of course, even though it isn’t a big city university, she’ll love it. Who wouldn’t? And the thing is, even with only a 15% admission rate, if she puts her mind to it, this amazing kid just might get in. THEN where would we be?
Mortgaging the house for a second and third time, just as her brother is ready for graduate school. ~sigh~

I think it’s just hitting me that my child is talking about, in a little over a year and a half, not only running off with our entire life’s savings, but going far away to do it! Good thing no one from Stanford has come to her school yet, or the University of Hawaii! And I wonder how I’ll cope.

I’m dealing well with the separation from Stephen, even though I still go sit in his room once in a while. When I close my eyes I still can see the bright dinosaurs that no longer frolic on the walls and the toybox full of beanie baby spiders and bats that is in the basement now. I miss the smiling, gentle, tow-headed boy who used to live there, but I’m very fond of the deep-voiced, dark haired man who occasionally comes to stay and eat my peanut butter and jelly. I rarely hear from him while he’s away, but at least I can see him any time I want to drive to Athens and stand on a street corner with free food. I know he’ll turn up eventually.
But now Katie is making plans to cut herself entirely free and soar away… and I’m not ready for it. I thought letting go of my firstborn would prepare me for losing my baby… Not even close, turns out.

I asked Ted the other day if he ever misses having little children. "Not often" he replied, "but…sometimes… when I think about ‘All the things that we are going to do today’…"

We looked at each other and smiled. When Steve was 4 or 5, on Saturday mornings he loved to help us change the sheets on our bed. His part consisted of standing on the bed holding a pillow case, into which Ted would stuff one end of a pillow. Then Steve would jump up and down wildly with the case, trying to jiggle the pillow down into it, and he would say "Oh, the things that we are going to do today!" and recite a list of activities for the day, some real, some utterly silly. I’m not sure how the ritual started, but he loved it, and would giggle and bounce and occasionally the pillow would actually end up all the way in the pillow case! Ted always had to be on guard that the child didn’t bounce himself right off the bed.

I miss rocking, and singing, and "Time by time". Sometimes at night Katie didn’t want to be alone, so after songs were sung and lights were out, she would say, a trifle anxiously, "Mommy- come and check on me, time by time." And so in 5 minutes I would slip back in the door for a quick hug, and smooth her hair away from her face and whisper "Time by time, baby" and slip out again. Then I’d let 10 minutes go by before the next check, then 20… gradually extending the separation, until, secure in the knowledge that Mommy would be back, time by time- she would fall asleep. Pretty soon our "Time by time" will stretch to months…and maybe years.

A woman came into the store last week with a baby in a front carry sack that reminded me SO much of Katie: huge, curious dark eyes, round cheeks, curly top-knot of hair and making the funniest little dolphin noises as she kicked her chubby feet and watched the world go by. I felt a physical ache as I looked at her and wondered where the baby is that belongs in my arms. Well, there isn’t one, anymore. The beautiful baby I had is gone forever, and soon the tall, slender, sophisticated songbird who has taken her place will fly off to be her own person. And good for her- wonderful for her, in fact!

But very, very lonely for me.

Only one thing to do. I’m going to indulge in a little shopping therapy and go buy stuff for Katie- yes, spend some of that cash which, apparently, I should be saving for Brown University. Man, I’m going to have to start working a LOT more hours…