Soapbox

They’re Fun When you can Mess with ’em

Saturday August 23, 1997

So I've got this kid….and over dinner the night before a family trip to the Cleveland Zoo, she asked her dad,
    "What kind of animals do they have at the zoo? "  Bear in mind, this is the same father who, when asked what is for dinner will unhesitatingly respond, "Weasel casserole." or "Albatross on a stick" or even, "Frog goulash", the man who insists, when asked "What is 2+2?" you should always reply "2 what plus 2 what?"  So you might think the kids would have had some inkling of what was to come.

   "Dogs and cats, basicaly." he answered.

   "What else?" she asked.
    "Well, that's pretty much it. You see, they have lots of stray dogs and cats in Cleveland, and they made them into a zoo, and people go see them. Then the animal handlers bring them by on leashes, and you look at them, and that's about it ."
    "What? That's totally stupid!" shouted her brother, who is not big on surprises.
    "Well, I guess playing with dogs and cats would be OK…" Katie began.
     "Oh no, there's no playing with them. This is a zoo, guys; you just look."
    "Isn't there anything else there, Daddy?" she asked, not at all sure that this trip was going to turn out to be a good time. Mouth twitching, I suddenly developed a great interest in buttering my roll.

   "Well… there is that special exhibit called Poodle Town. Yeah, they have a bunch of different poodles in this one big area that's made to look like a giant house because they want it to look like their natural habitat. There's a big sofa and a table and chairs and like 30 poodles running around. The trouble is, sometimes they all go and lay behind the sofa and frankly, you can't really see much. But that's the way it is in zoos."

Katie was trying really hard to keep a good attitude and look on the bright side.
    "Poodles sound interesting, I guess…"
Her brother wasn't trying at all.
    "This zoo sounds totally dumb! I'm not going to such a dumb place!"
    "Well, sorry guys: that's pretty much it, isn't it Trace?"
Oh ho, throw the ball into my court, will you? Well, right back at ya, buddy!

   "Is that touring Rat Land exhibit still in Cleveland?" I suggested, batting my eyes.

   "Oh yeah! I almost forgot about Rat Land! It's where they have a bunch of rats all together, and you can watch them run around. Of course, you kind of have to watch out, because sometimes the baby ones get out through the fence and are running around loose. But you know, they're babies, so… they're cute."

   "Humm. Well, Poodle Town sounds OK, and I guess I'll go see that Rat Land place. " Katie said.
    "I won't! I'm not going to this stupid zoo! It sounds boring, boring, boring! And stupid!!" Stephen was offended at the thought of such a zoo even existing and clearly refused to darken its door.

I was worried that a riot was going to break out, so I strategicaly switched sides.
    "Listen kids; before you make any decisions about whether you want to go, you should consider the source of this information." I suggested broadly. "This is your dad talking, after all. Think about it."
    Meanwhile Ted was making hooking motions with his finger in his mouth and laughing down the table at me. They just shook their heads sadly at a zoo full of cats and dogs.

After dinner was finished and cleared away, Ted looked up the Cleveland Zoo's web site to get directions.  Stephen walked by and looked over his Dad's shoulder. There on the screen he saw images of lions and elephants.
    "Hey! HEY!! They have regular animals there! YOU said all they had was dogs and cats!"
    "And what: you believed me?"
Katie came running to see what the shouting was about, and Ted laughed so hard he fell out of his chair at the expression on her face. Soon the kids started laughing too.
    "I had you guys! I had you hooked and reeled all the way into the boat! You guys totally swallowed the bait. A dog and cat zoo? C'mon, use your heads, guys."

We all had a good laugh over that one and the kids cheerfully vowed they would never believe their father again. (Progress?) But the next week, at a restaurant, Ted began telling the kids that some cartoons and comic strips are based on real people, while some are totally fabricated.

   "Oh sure." he said "It's a well-known fact. Like Foxtrot: that's real. Beetle Bailey: fake. Spiderman: real. Batman: fake."
    "What about Scooby Doo?" asked Katie. Without hesitating, her father replied,
    "Real."
    "Real? How can it be real?" Stephen countered. "It has a talking dog. There's no real talking dogs."
     Ted shook his head. "I'm telling you buddy, it's real. And Jonny Quest: that's real. X-Men: fake. The Jetsons: real. Flintstones: fake. And…"

    Stehpen couldn't let that one by.
    "Wait! The Jetsons can't be real! It takes place in the future! A show about the future can't be real!" Stephen was on the right track and highly suspicous by now, but Katie still seemed willing to believe every word she was told.
    "What else, Dad?
    "Lets see… what are some others… oh, Space Ghost: fake. Green Hornet: real. Yeah, he's the great-nephew of the Lone Ranger, who is real too. But the Green Lantern, he's fake. And Aquaman: he's fake too."
    "What about the Fantastic Four?"
    "Half of 'em are real, half fake. Yep. But Spiderman and Scooby Doo are definately real."

    Stephen had had enough.
    "No! It can't be real. I don't believe that a show about a talking dog can be real. There are NO talking dogs in the world!"
     Ted smiled at him. "There aren't? Are you sure about that?"
     "Yes!"
    "Alright, then: what does that tell you?"

Reality struck like a lightening bolt. "You were making it all up! It's all fake!!"

    "Yes!!" Ted was delighted at being found out. " You see Stephen; if someone tells you something that you think can't be true, then you should ask them for some proof. Don't just believe everything that people say, even adults. Even your parents! If they can prove what they say, well then you will have learned something new. If they have no proof, they may just be telling you a story."
    "Like you, dad!"

   Just like your Dad. Skunk soup for dinner tonight, kids.