Soapbox

Exclusion

I don't usually remember my dreams, but this one remains in my memory like a movie I watched. I don't know what it is that makes some dreams slip out of your gray matter upon wakening, like minnows across a pond and some stay. I am writing this down because I suspect it might say something about me.

I was at camp. It wasn't VCc- but in that way of dreams, it was. There were dormitories: one for the older kids, another for the younger. The different wings in each building were the designated "camp sites".
It was going to be my last year there because i was "ageing out". I arrived and was greeted happily by a number of friends, both among campers and staff, who were happy to see me. I was looking forward to a great session as I grabbed my gear and headed into the dormitory to find my assigned campsite and room.

I walked up and down the halls, waving at famililar faces and smiling at new ones, reading the name tags above the doors… and never found my name. 
I went through again.Then I found a counselor and explained my dilema.
"No problem- let me look you up" she said, and went down the list on her clip board. 
"Hmmm… I know you're registered…"
Nope. Not there.

It was confirmed that yes, I had been registered as a camper, I just hadn't been assigned a room. No prob- oh. Huh.
No empty beds. Not one.

I stood there, blinking, nodding my head, feeling both hollowed out and weirdly calm.
Look- we'll figure this out! We can… we can put you in the other dorm!
With the younger kids? Who I will not eat with or have campsite activities with, while all my friends are spending evenings together?
Well we can put you in the admin building, in the wing where the nurse and the custodians sleep. There's a bed free there.
Again, separated from all the people I came here to be with?

I shook my head and began to gather my belongings to take them back to the car. "No" I said. "I guess I'll just go home"
But you're registered! We don't want you to leave!
"Look" i said. "If there were 3 or 4 of us who didn't have beds in the dormitory with everyone else, I could deal with that. We'd get to be with our groups during the day and we would have each other at night. But by myself? The only one? No."

I was certain. I was calm. I was devastated. My last hurrah with my friends- suddenly yanked away. As much as I hated that thought, there was no question in my mind that I was not staying at camp as some lame little hanger-on, always not quite part of things. All the late night singing, talking, card games, story-telling and bonding would not happen for me if I did. I would be a group of one.

I'm not sure why i dreamed this, or why it was so firmly imbedded in my brain that, a week later, I can still feel that awful lonliness just by remembering it. I do have an issue with feeling that I don't belong in social situations, but in this dream, I did belong. everyone wanted me- there just wasn't room. But that didn't make it any better.
And yes: here I am, 57 years old and still dealing with teenaged angst of not belonging.